He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
