I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
