Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
