sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
