You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
