Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
