If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize