I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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