I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
