my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize