my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
