I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
