need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
