the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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