Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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