The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So here I am, sexting at work.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
