Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
