we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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