thus making me awesome and them whores
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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