afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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