god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I love black thongs
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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