I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
