We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
