Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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