Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize