SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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