if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
