all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The best revenge is premature balding
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
