i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
