I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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