You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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