Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
