Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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