I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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