My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
