GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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