i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
