im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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