he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
how drunk are you?
Several
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
