My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
