I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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