After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
