The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I stole a fireplace last night.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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