On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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