Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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