Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
