She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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