Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
