wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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