She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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