My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
