Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
