the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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