I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
