He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
