I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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