I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
