how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
