I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
