I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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