That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
