also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
