margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
