Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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