Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
