You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize