True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i've created a new STD.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We had sex on a dog bed..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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